I'm scared AF to write this...but something is telling me that someone needs to hear this. So if this helps just one person, it's worth it. 

A lot of people ask me why all of a sudden I go to church. I mean I'm 29 and suddenly I'm going through communion to become a full Catholic and going to church (almost) ever weekend. It seems super random. I mean I haven't been to church since I was a pre-teen when my dad made me go. And if I were to tell my 12 year old self that I'd be doing this now I know I'd say "why? It's so boring". 

When people ask me why I go I usually tell them it's because I want to get married in the church. My boyfriend is Catholic and we're going on 4 years together so it's not a far fetched answer. 

But it's not true. Only one person has to be Catholic to be married in a Catholic church. 

So here's the real answer. 

To explain how I got here I need to go back to a little over a year ago.

I was going to EMDR therapy. If you've never heard of EMDR therapy, its a form of therapy where you reprocess trauma to help you heal from it. But it can bring up memories that you repressed. 

I've always known that when I was a child, my (adult) neighbor molested me. But I didn't know all the details. When I went to EMDR therapy...I got those details. It was more than I thought I could handle. I didn't know how to deal with it. I didn't think I could handle it. 

When you hear about suicide in movies the person always feel like no one loves them. That no one is there for them. But I knew so many people loved me and were there for me. But I was suicidal. I didn't know how to deal with these new memories. And I didn't think I could. 

I gave myself until the birth of my niece to go through with it. I wanted to at least meet her once and that would give me enough time to really think about it. 

In the meantime I still had to deal with these new memories. I didn't tell anyone but my therapist how I felt. And until writing this now I've only told 2 other people. I didn't want to bother anyone with it. I didn't want anyone to feel like it was their fault. Because it wasn't. 

So I asked my dad what he did when he was feeling sad. I didn't give him details, I just asked him that. He told me that he always turned to God when he was feeling down. So I found a Catholic Church and started going. I was really scared to just go alone but I didn't know what else to do. 

Every time I went I felt like they were speaking directly to me. I'd be worrying about something and I'd go to church and they'd talk about what I had just been worrying about. Like something bigger actually was watching over me and was always there for me. I felt a sense of community that I hadn't felt since I joined my sorority. I felt like I belonged and like everything would be okay. 

Everything started changing too. The more I went to church and the more I prayed, the more blessings that came way. 

I decided to start the classes to go through Communion because I wanted to understand everything more. I wanted to know everything they believed in so that I could see if I agreed with it or not. I didn't want to just blindly follow something...even if it was really helping me. So I signed up and started going to the classes. All the questions I had. All the things that I didn't understand. All the things that I felt like I was going through all alone. It all made sense. I felt empowered and like everything I've ever been through happened so that I can use it to help others. And like God knew all along what I could and couldn't handle. And he knew I could handle this, with his help. 

I feel so blessed to of found God when I did because if I didn't...I don't know that I would be here today. 

So my niece came and I held her. And I've never felt a love so strong. I've also never wanted to protect someone so much. I felt so happy that I was there to meet her and knew I wanted to be around to watch her grow up and to always protect her.

I want to share this story for two reasons. 

1 - So people can be aware. I wish we lived in a world that didn't have people that hurt people. But we have free will and it's up to each person so choose what they do. But what we can do is be aware of what other people are doing and if someone starts acting differently. Look into it. Something could be going on. Don't ignore the signs. You never know what someone is going through. I acted fine during this entire thing. No one knew. 

2 - So people that feel like they can't handle it, know they're not alone. And that I pray for you. That whatever it is that will help you get through it finds you. Whether that's a church, or a friend, or something else. I pray you get the help you need so that you can spread the incredible gifts that only you have. You're here for a reason. I know sometimes it can be really hard. Really hard. But I promise you that someday you'll see it's all worth it. 

Thank you for reading this. And if there's someone that you think this could help, please share it with them. 

I love you.

Azalee